Day 19: Things I don't believe in

Sun: 29 Cap

Moon: 26 Sco

Phase: Waning Crescent


Self care day. Relaxed some in the AM. And then off to work at the Sage I go. Went and got cat food after my shift. Tea. Laptop. Cat.


Learn anything?


I go through great lengths to protect my feelings. Because I become not very functional when my feelings get hurt. Shucks. But alas. The world out there is sometimes rough.


As to what to do when people disagree with me? Say: Ah, I can see how you'd think that way. And if I feel bad around them too often. Avoid them, if at all possible.


Theoretically, people can think a lot of insane things and believe it. They can believe in Zombies. Fairies. Bigfoot. (These are place holder for other more charged beliefs) And they live their life based on these beliefs. It's cool. Bigfoot may or may not exist. I dunno.


Who am I to argue with them? It's not like they'll change their mind. It's not like I'll change my mind. And I'll get stressed out anyway discussing it. So... for my sanity. I just avoid talking about this with people. Or, if the topic is unavoidable, avoid these people.


Cordial, yes. Friends, not so much. Why? Because conflict is hard. Walking on egg shells is hard. Sometimes you just want to relax and be around people who get you.


Life deals you a bunch of cards. People in your life. Some of them are awesome. Some of them suck. And you make the best of it. Do what you can. Treat yourself well.


And surround yourself with people who treat you well. The rest... well, there won't be as much space for them in your life.


Kinda like if you fill your plate with salads and veggies first. And there isn't enough space at the end for not-so-healthy-for-you fares



Day 18: what the...???

Sun: 28 Cap

Moon: 13 Sco

Phase: 3rd Quarter


Worked at the Sage. Not much to report. Came home exhausted. Reheated leftovers. Settled in bed with a laptop and a cat. 


Learned anything?


There's such thing as too hungry and tired to cook


The person I was 10 years ago and I have similar issues. We're both starting something new. I'm hoping that the person I am today learned from those 10 years not to sidetrack from my original vision. There's compromise, and there's "what the...??? That wasn't anything like what I intended to do"


Staying true to my vision is similar to sticking to a diet. It's not easy. But you know what? When you stray from your diet too long. You start feeling like shit. And I'm kinda tired of days when I feel like shit. Like I'm wasting my life


Policy: Say no to what's not in alignment with the vision. Other people might have designs on what I should do with my life. My time. And if I let them have a say. They've essentially hijacked my life. So no. Not this time around. I know better. I'll stick to the vision.


So I'm growing a backbone. Slowly. And maybe for the first time. And I'm gonna follow through with my commitments. If this is what I wanna do. This is what I'm gonna do.


I envision the me 10 years from now to be sturdier. Like she has her shit together. Less willing to put up with bullshit.


She has a handle on time. How to use it wisely. She's figured out how to grow her own garden with ease. She's mastered how to read the stars for herself and for others. She's playful. She's happy. She's probably married. And she's very selective about who she lets in her life


Because her time is precious to her. And she's figured out she's worth it. To herself.

Day 17: Home at this hour


Sun: 27 Cap

Moon: 29 Lib

Phase: 3rd Quarter


Woke up. Got a lot of house keeping stuff done. Even worked out. Then went to work at the Sage.


So I guess I was doing something nice, beautiful, and luxurious today. For other people.


I would take a candle lit bath tonight, but came home too late. 10pm late. My partner made dinner which was nice. And all I wanted to do after that was crawl into bed. A nicely made bed at that. With a laptop. My partner with a laptop, too. And a cat.


Learn anything?


Sleeping in feels good. If I can wake up at 9am. That's considered sleeping in.


That I can get a lot done, if I'd stick to my to do list.


I need to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to go to work.


What do I want to get rid of?... The clutter in the living room: Perfumes. The fruity floral potions that don't seem like me anymore. Canvases. I don't paint anymore. Books. I do kindle books now

Day 16: Hardened steel or cotton candy?



Sun: 26 Cap

Moon: 15 Lib

Phase: Waning Gibbous


Spent most the day at home. Went out and got groceries. Made dinner. Finished prepping the astrology reading I was doing for my friend.


The reading went well. I'm playing with whether it works better with video or just audio. I'm leaning towards just audio at this point. For my next reading I'll just do audio and see how that feels


Learn anything?


In an already overbooked schedule. When a client reschedules. Steam doesn't come out of the top of my head. I'm like. Sweet. I need to get caught up on XYZ anyway


That 2020 is gonna be a busy year for me. Balancing working 4 shifts at the Sage, and building a private astrology folk healing practice.


That I do like the work that I do. It's really rewarding for me to give these readings. I'll keep saying it again. and again. Because it's true.


I'd prefer to be better at what I do straight out the gate, but recognize I get better through experience. One client at a time. So here goes. One at a time. From just graduated to.... hot damn! That's awesome.


I feel boundary violation first in my body. I get really angry. I might be nice about it in public. But deep inside I'm seething. I don't tend to confront people about how they disappointed me. Piss me off. I do avoid being around them. Should I be more direct? Maybe. Do I want to be more direct? Not really.


All I know is that I do have these boundaries. And I gotta set them somehow. And I'd prefer to be hardened steel coated in cotton candy.


At the end of the day, I want to feel safe and cozy. And respected for what I do. How do I do that? And still be cotton candy on the outside?

Day 15: Nap Time


Sun: 24 Cap

Moon: 0 Lib

Phase: Waning Gibbous


Took a 3 hr meditation/nap today listening to an audio book. I applied lotion to my dry skin. Self care. Do nothing. Stay still. I felt refreshed afterwards.


Just in time for work


I ceremoniously burnt some clove buds for eye shadow. After a scratchy application, I switched to regular eye shadow which went on smoother. The burnt cloves did smell good. So I'll keep doing that. For the smell.


Learn anything?


I enjoy doing dishes, sweeping, mopping. It's kind of meditative. 


I would like to get rid of that voice in my head telling me I'm an idiot. Really? That's not the most useful thought to be having. I'd like to exchange it for "Breathe. I'm a super capable person who can figure this shit out. Breathe. Now Figure it out."


That there's this Bug exhibit at OMSI that everyone I know is raving about. I don't like bugs. But tempted to check it out


I can go home after a long day of work and whip up a 2 course meal. Easy. Fast


I need to carve out more rest time. I need more sleep than I've been getting

Day 14: Overwhelm



Sun: 23 Cap

Moon: 16 Vir

Phase: Waning Gibbous


I'm so overwhelmed. Did a lot of driving and errands today. Though I don't feel that accomplished.


Heck. I never feel that accomplished for all the work that I put in. But hey. You're never gonna be able to do enough. and do it well enough. Under a Virgo Moon.


I'm home now. I'm in bed. Drinking Peach Mint tea. With a lap top. Catching up on Journals.


The cat definitely pissed where he wasn't supposed to. Arrrggg. And yes. My friend hasn't emailed me back. And she may never email me back. Disappointed. Yes. Will I live though it. Move on. Spray some deodorizer. And find a different way to get what I need? Yes.


Learn anything?


My tarot card tonight is the 10 of Fire. I'm overwhelmed and probably need to streamline what I'm doing so it's more manageable.


Not knowing where my cell phone is can cause a panic attack


That I have to plan tomorrow's outfit ahead of time, else I'm gonna be late. If I want to eat healthy. I gotta meal plan that, too. So not doing that right now. There's a lot of PLANNING that I have yet to do. Not sure I'll ever get around to it.


Do I really want to plan a garden this year? It's winter. It's the perfect time for planning.


Planning my own overwhelm. Maybe I'd like to plan to do LESS this year and indulge in more self care. That sound like a plan?

Day 13: Cloves for eyeliner


Sun: 22 Cap

Moon: 1 Vir

Phase: Waning Gibbous


It's raining outside. Cold. I feel really cold.


Did the yoga. The mediation. Still finding it hard to breathe. It's weird. Am I okay? I dunno. My hand wants to be on my chest. Focus on breathing. Breathe. Loud noises annoy me right now. 


I pulled myself together and got some work done. My to-do list overwhelms me


Did a folk healing session which I thought went well


Put together dinner with a salad. I like this new add a salad to every meal business. I would like to feel healthier. Eat healthier. Actually be healthier. Ha! Virgo energy.


Now I kinda wanna lay in bed. With a lap top. I have a reading to prep for. And I prefer to be warmer


Learn anything?


What inconvenient truth am I ready to face? None. I'm not sure I can handle the truth. I feel fragile. Like one of those ladies who could faint any second


That if you light a whole clove (the kitchen spice) on fire. Let it turn black. You can use it as eyeliner and it smells good. I'll add that to my makeup ritual

Day 12: Rat infestation, sort of


Sun: 21 Cap

Moon: 17 Leo

Phase: Waning Gibbous


The ocean was turbulent today. A storm brewed outside the cabin we rented. My partner and I. The cat. Glamping. Oblivious to it all.


The last time we were here, I was wearing Patagonia. Long underwear. In black. It was the typical camping look. I didn't like it. It was the outfit my ex had me buy so I could "properly" go camping with him. In the rain. And not freeze.


After that trip, I discarded the outfit. Enough is enough. We've been broken up for over 5 years, now. Time to let that memory go.


I remember going to my counselor about that guy. She recommended that I get rid of him. That I didn't have a relationship. I had a rat infestation. And the sooner I can let that go. The sooner I can make space for something better.


This time around. I'm in a long pink satin slip. With a matching robe. I'm here to relax. Read a book. Drink some tea. Eat some chocolate. I'm in a happier place.


There's the right guy. And the wrong guy. And if you got the wrong guy. And you've been crying for years and can't stop. You might have to let him go so the right guy can find his way into your life.


I'm hoping this philosophy works the same with careers


Learn anything?


That when I was in a bad relationship. He got me believing that it was me that needed to be "better" for this to work. My friends kept on telling me that I deserve better. That I deserve to have exactly what I wanted in a relationship. And the situation I wanted wasn't him.


So let go. Move on. Find better.


And I did find better.


He, on the other hand. Last I checked. Has yet to find better. But that's not my problem.


If I were to put a bow on it. I did become a "better" person because of him. He taught me a lot. And I'm reluctantly grateful for that. I wouldn't be where I am today without him coming into my life. Like many life lessons, though, the price was kinda steep

Day 11: It never tasted so good


Sun: 20 Cap

Moon: 2 Leo

Phase: Waning Gibbous


Did pretty much nothing today except INDULGE. I'm talking ice cream. Chocolate.


Got some herbal teas. The ones meant to soothe the stomach and reduce anxiety. And stuff to make a salad. With cucumber. Mushrooms. Basil.


I finished hemming my pink chiffon scarf. Feeling pretty accomplished. But all I really did was laid around. And relaxed. It felt good. I needed some rest. And today is the perfect day for it



Learn anything?


Being present for your life is a good thing. I savored the ice cream. I focused on it. And registered every single note the cold mixture made on my tongue. It tasted sooo good. I don't remember ice cream ever tasting this good. Maybe I was never present enough to enjoy it


That judging myself for shitty Noob mistakes I've made in the past. With what I know now. Isn't exactly fair.


To know that you shouldn't have dated what's his name. You would have had to date what's his name or someone similar to know. It's kinda how people learn. Abeit... the hard way.


Well...You coulda listen to mom. She knew. And was cringing too. But no. Sometimes you just gotta learn the hard way.


AND you gotta forgive yourself sooner or later for it


Am I ready to forgive myself for all the shitty things I've put myself through? Is there a ritual for that?


I could very well create one. For the waning quarter moon

Day 10: Full Moon energy makes me so...


Sun: 19 Cap

Moon: 18 Can

Phase: Full


I took a lot of baths today. Did a lot of meditations. I interpret anxiety as a lot of energy going through my body faster than I can process it. Working on grounding and centering. Wanting badly to pour myself a pint glass worth of wine. But I promised myself I wouldn't.


I got some edibles instead. It calmed me down some but now I find myself siting in one spot. Staring at nothing. I slowed down


Learn anything?


I did the ritual. This is what emerged:


For a really really long time. My work life was the focus of my existence. It still is.


But it was like a ladder against the wrong wall.


My career of choice didn't work for me. It had many negatives that I didn't like. But I dealt with it. And once you deal with something you don't like for too long. It started seeming normal.


Like contractors being behind schedule and it being hot in the kitchen. No duh. It's just how it works.


My drive to make my career of choice work for me. Was at odds with me needing to be home.


While I nurtured others, I felt attacked on many levels. Maintaining boundaries was survival. And it wasn't easy. I had to present myself in a way that would be taken seriously. I was always defensive. I leaned on my tougher masculine side. The warrior. I couldn't relax. It was awful. 


What I wanted to be was softer. Gentler. Carefree. Relaxed. I wanted badly for my work to be something I enjoy. Where I could take care of others, and at the same time feel nurtured myself. 


There's a sort of homecoming that I'm after.


Work, in the past, took me so far away from myself. To even do the work I had to become a different person. Recording artists do it all the time. Take on a different name. A different persona. A tougher version of myself.


I like these versions I've created over the years. All the cool outfits each of these versions would wear


What I want now is to play a super feminine version. At home. In a silky pink slip. Satin robe. Chiffon. Skirts. Making tea. And I want to do it for me.


I feel that Work is what I do for the world. It's what I have to give to the world to be able to exist.


Home is what I do for me. It's what I want to do for myself. How I nurture myself--- which I'm technically not very good at doin'--- yet


The agreement between my work and my home life. IS. That I gotta spend more time at home.


And that IF I can work from "home". Not the place. But the feeling of being myself. Relaxed. Unguarded. And yet feeling safe all the same.-------Then I can do a lot of work and feel nourished and fulfilled. Perhaps I can make a positive impact on the lives of others from there


I will not put up with a life where I have to guard myself day after day from characters wanting me to be someone for them that I'm not.


And me having to become a Warrior with a sword telling them that I am definitely not the person they are looking for. Move along. Too many of these interactions makes work a battlefield. A drain on my energy. And I'm tired. I don't want to do that anymore.


I want to go home. And Be home

Day 9: Does this count for work life balance?


Sun: 18 Cap

Moon: 4 Can

Phase: Full


How'd it go?

I say... I got a lot done. A lot of it in my PJs. Heck. I didn't really get out of my PJs today. I just piled clothes on top of it to look decent enough to go out and run errands


I did a reading and a folk healing session today. They went really well. I enjoy doing this work for sure. I'll keep working on it and refining it.


I like the fact that I can work from home with this business model. Maybe it'll be a nightmare later on because I'll have the opportunity to work. like. ALL. THE. TIME. But hey. That doesn't bother me one bit. At least not right now.


My work life will probably bleed into my home life. To the point where I can't tell which is which. I'm not saying that's healthy. But that IS what I'm inclined to do. Work life Balance? Never had it. It seems like ALL work to me. At least if I can work from home. I'll at least get to BE home


What I can say is that my work right now does nourish me. I can 99.5% of the time say that I like what I do. Which didn't use to be the case. So in that respect, I'm quite happy.


Had to make a lot of Scorpionic changes the past few years to get to this point.


Scorpio = death of what needed to die anyway. and to rise again from the ashes. hopefully wiser than before. and sure as hell a lot tougher. 


Learn anything?

That I can write and record the Wolf Moon ritual in 1 day. Which I didn't think was possible. But I did it. The Virgo in me will probably pick it apart for not being good enough, cringe-worthy. etc. But it's Done!!!! And it's here. I'll play it for myself on the official full moon. Which is Tomorrow!


Wolf Moon. First full moon of 2020

Day 8: Cat to the Vet


Sun: 17 Cap

Moon: 21 Gem

Phase: Waxing Gibbous


How'd it go?


I took the my cat to the vet. That's fun. I guess. And then went home and took a LONG nap. 


I woke up and did a few more errands. Picked up cat food and cat meds. Returned a few skirts I got from Amazon to Khol's. I got a medium. But probably needed a small.


All in all. Not a very productive day. But I did do a lot more that just stay home in my PJs.


What stories do I tell myself that isn't true?... that I'm an idiot for not being further along than I am. And that no one will like this incarnation of me and what I do


I'm probably better off telling myself more positive things. Like. "Good Job. You survived the day!" "Keep on plugging at it." "You'll figure it out!"


Learned anything?


Napping feels awesome.


Traffic and being late to a vet appointment does not feel awesome


I tend to feel better about myself when I'm productive.


I probably need to relax and take it easy more. If I'd ever let myself do that.


And that a puff of steam comes out my head every time a person suggests I become a nurse or a physical therapist. I don't want to become any of those of those things. Interest? ZERO.

Day 7: The three outfit day


Sun: 16 Cap

Moon: 7 Gem

Phase: Waxing Gibbous

How'd it go?

OMG. I did so much today. Didn't feel like doing any of it. But I did it.


Outfit #1: Yoga pants + cami. Activity: Give someone a folk healing session

Outfit #2: Carhartt + T-shirt. Activity: Help friend lug lots of stuff down stairs and donate it to Goodwill.

Outfit #3: Buttoned shirt. Skirt. Apron. Activity: Foot Spa. Sage outfit


Now I'm tired


What do I want? To do this Astrology thing well, and be taken seriously for what I do?

Why does that matter? Cuz seeking approval from others is how I feel good about myself? And validation from others helps me prove to myself that I'm not Nuts?


Jeez. That way of thinking might cause problems


How bout...

What do I want? To have a lot of fun. Doing what it is I want to do. Perhaps indulge in lots of self care activities and self reflection 

Why does it matter? Because it's what I want to do with my life. I'm interested in playing all these characters because I find them fun. I pursue things that interests me. And it doesn't matter if anyone cares. I care. And I'll keep doing these thing. And call it: My life.


Learn anything?


Closing shift is hard if you close by yourself. You sweep A LOT. And you mop A LOT. AFTER doing all the front of the house stuff


That if you let other people determine your sense of self worth. It's gonna be a very shaky sense of self worth. Somehow you gotta source that from within. If you want that inner stability

Day 6: Eat more chocolate


Sun: 15 Cap

Moon: 25 Tau

Phase: Waxing Gibbous


I got a shit ton done today. Made a list. Checked it twice. Checked things off.


Did Dishes. Laundry. Cleaned the bathroom. Made the bed the first time in months. It looks awesome! I want to be the person who makes the bed every morning. Well, every morning that there isn't still someone in the bed when I leave.


One of my co worker hurt her back, so I filled in for her at the Sage.


Ate a lot of chocolate. Drank some tea with a friend


So... where do I want stability? Finances. To have enough money and time to do the things I want to do. Which means working at the Sage 4 days a week


Where I want radical change? My lifestyle. I want to live like I give a damn. Like it means something. I want to fill my life with rituals that makes me happy. Rituals that renew me.


I want a thriving practice where I get to take care of people. Hear their stories. Read the stars. Make the experience of life magical. First for me. Then for other people. If they want that experience

Day 5: Eat Chocolate


Sun: 14 Cap

Moon: 12 Tau

Phase: Waxing Gibbous


How'd it go?


Didn't clean today. But I ate chocolate. Almost 2 full bars of chocolate. How decadent. And got a massage. Talked to a friend.


AND got 2 more shifts at the Sage. Now I work Wed close, Fri close, and Sat + Sun. Yay me! Now I can fund my travels with ease.


I'd want to go to Costa Rica to hang with some shamans. To India for a yoga retreat. Definitely back to Thailand in a few years.


That, and if no one wants what I have to offer for YEARS. I'll still be okay. I can take my time developing my craft however long it takes


Diving deep into the dark underbelly of the psyche? Did a bit of that today


Learned anything?

That I like the work I do as a folk healing astrologer.


That... I want to be better at what I do. But knowing me. Better is better. Though I often don't feel like I'm doing good enough. Ever. And that even 10, 20, 30 years in. I still won't feel enough. So there's some confidence and self worth issue deep inside my underbelly that I gotta unravel


Or not


Maybe it really doesn't matter why I feel the way I feel


Maybe just accept that it's the way I'm wired. Laugh at it. And do what it is I'm scared to do anyway. The fear will be there to greet me. And I go past it. Anxiety ridden. A nervous wreck sometimes. But I'm going to do just that

Day 4: Savor the food


Sun: 13 Cap

Moon: 0 Tau

Phase: Waxing Gibbous


How'd it go:


I got some stuff done. Though not as much as I'd like. Ran a few errands. Took a bath. No candles. Then decided to nap.


Ate a bunch of food but forgot to savor it. The Ice cream got inhaled. Now I'm full and satisfied. Maybe I can savor food tomorrow 



Had a nightmare last night I had some form of terminal illness. I was "meh" about it in the dream. The nurses were concerned.


When I woke up, I was kinda freaked out. I don't feel like having a health crisis right now. Now is never a good time for that.


Learned anything?

Worrying about your health because of a dream is stressful. But I guess I'm long overdue for a check up. Which I haven't done because I'm vastly irresponsible with my health.


I'm on my partner's insurance plan. So I should probably go. But I don't really wanna


I'm kinda scared they'll tell me something is wrong with me and it'll cost a lot of time/money/pain to fix. And if I don't fix it, or attempt to fix it. I'm being irresponsible. Which I already am.


So I guess I'll do nothing. And  "hope" I got more time here on this planet. And while I'm here, I guess I'll enjoy it. Remember to savor the food next time

Day 3: Get shit done! And then get to work


Sun: 12 Cap

Moon: 18 Ari

Phase: Waxing Gibbous


How did it go?


It went really well. I made a list. Got a lot done. Coffee. check. Dishwasher. check. Kitchen. check. Laundry. check.  And went to work at the Sage. Over all a really productive day


I'm taking the next 3 days off so I could clean some more


Day 2: Have you done that before?


Sun: 11 Cap

Moon: 6 Ari

Phase: First Q.


Nope. Last year I put it on my calendar to celebrate the Full moon. The New Moon. Make a ceremony out of it. Take a bubble bath. Journal. Do something!


What happened?


I worked extra a bunch of it. And came home too tired to do anything of the sort. And thus, those days passed by.


I'm not quite sure what happened. All I knew was that those things DID NOT HAPPEN. And They were scheduled events, too. Scheduled, and subsequently ignored.


"Oh yeah. Celebrate the full moon. Well, good for it! Check. I'm going to bed"


How do I do it this year?


A friend suggest I invite people to the event. Make it a party. THEN I might not be able to ignore it.


I don't necessarily ignore the passage of time. There's this thing called "BILL DAY" that gets "celebrated" every month. It isn't optional. Going to work isn't optional either.


Celebrating the moon. Taking a bubble bath. Tea with friends. Doing yoga. Making yourself a nice salad fresh from the garden. Now THAT STUFF'S optional. And optional things take some prioritizing to happen.


While you won't find yourself in bad shape if you don't do em. They kinda make life awesome.


I want to do them. I'm just not sure how yet. BUT... I'll figure it out

Day 1: Coming out and Celebrating


Sun: 10 Cap

Moon: 24 Pis

Phase: Waxing Crescent


What does this Witch do again? Apparently anything she wants. I'm a solitary practitioner, so I get to make things up how I see fit.


For many many years, seasons come, seasons go. With me being oblivious to it all. Celebrate? ME? Too busy to bother with a pumpkin for Halloween. Too busy to bother with a tree for Yule.


This year will be different. I'm launching my new career as an Astrologer Folk Healer from square one.  I'm making it a point to slow down and ritualistically celebrate the cycles of the the sun. moon. stars. Because it's my JOB to do that sort of stuff. Yeah yeah. They say:  You'll likely teach what you badly need to learn.


I'm still working the day job at the foot spa I'll call the Sage to make the numbers add up when Bill day comes. And will likely keep that job till my calling as an Astrologer Folk Healer takes off. Which could very well be a LONG time. I'm cool with that. There's a lot about astrology I intend to learn. And even that is still the start of the journey. A rather long journey.


And even if it doesn't work out exactly as I'd hope. I'll still be taking this journey for me. And that in itself. Is worth it.


I'll take the Time


Celebrate the passing of time. Write about it. Live like everyday is important


Too busy? Yep. That was my story. Too busy for celebrating, to busy to journal, too busy for living life. What? You heard me. Too busy just rushing around. Doing things I can't quite remember


So THIS year I'm making time to Journal. To track the cycles of the moon. Write about the planets and their placement in the heavens. Celebrate all 8 major holidays. From Imbolic to Yule


Let's start there and see what happens


Folk Healing